Crap Album Titles
Bands may spend anywhere between 6 months and 15 years putting together an album, painstakingly layering sound upon sound, mixing, remixing, a guitar riff here, a bell there. Major edits, minor edits. Hours, upon hours upon hours. Then they release their masterpiece and plonk on it a crap title. This beggars belief: U2 spent 3 years constructing an album and then called it “How to dismantle an atomic bomb.” Why not call it SAT (shit album title), or “Man” (24 years after boy). In fact all U2 albums have crap titles. They are not alone: flicking thru this month’s Record Collector Magazine, aside from the eponymous titles, or the cop out “Vol 2” or “13” (Back Sabbath) – most albums have lousy titles. Here is a selection: Stress – “The big wheel;” Snyper – “Manifestations;” Lloyd Cole – “Standards;” CS Crew – “Funky Pack;” John Fogarty – “Wrote a Song for Everyone;” Dexgter -“The Trip” and finally, my favorite – Primus – “Sailing the seas of cheese.” And I thought “Regatta de blanc” was a crap title.
‘Twas not always so: think of the great Pink Floyd titles “Obscured by Clouds”, a “Saucerful of Secrets”, “Dark Side of the Moon,” “Atom Heart Mother.” These were titles that you could not forget.
A great album title, even if you don’t like it, should be specific to the artist: if you went into a record shop and asked for “Thriller” or “Off the wall” – you got what you wanted. Can you imagine going into to a vinyl store and asking for “Volume 2?” Also, you shouldn’t have to be embarrassed when asking for a record: “Do you have Artic Monkeys’ Suck it and See (the album title nearly as bad as the band name).” Do modern bands spend more than 30 seconds thinking up an album title, or does it come from the marketing department of the record label? In fairness to Prog – at least they made an effort: “Tales of the Topographic Ocean,” “Phaedra,” “Brain Salad Surgery,” “Selling England by the Pound.”
Rules for a great album title and examples:
- Use one word: “Low” “Heroes” “Destroyer” “Thriller” “Rumours” “Hysteria” “Ascention” “Harvert”
- Used two contrasting high impact words: “Scary Monsters.””Closer” “Dare”
- Something that is memorable: “Ghost in the Machine”, “Three feet high and rising”, “Billion Dollar Babies”, “Close to the Edge”, “Off the Wall”, “License to Ill”, “Appetite for Destruction” “In A Silent Way” “Back in Black” “Song for My Father” “Dancehall Sweethearts” “Wish you were here” “Lust for Life” “Travelling without Moving” “unknown Pleasures” “Feats don’t fail me now” “Heart of Saturday Night” “Weasels Ripped My Flesh” “Frampton comes alive” “A Night at the Opera” “Parallel Lines”
- Something with cultural impact: “Never mind the bollocks”, “It takes a Nation to Hold Us Back”, “Shut Up and Play Your Guitar”, “Bitches Brew” “Highway to Hell” “Nothings Shocking” “Mechanical Animals” “Oracular Spectacular”
- Make sure that your fans can spell the title: “Definitely Maybe or Definately May be or Defnitely Maybe?” “In an Aeroplane over the Sea”; all Sigur Ros albums are a problem but WTF is this: “()” – an abomination %&*£@
- Avoid using a title that somebody else has used before: “Everything must go” “Change of Heart” “Under the Influence”
- Avoid using the first thing that comes into your head: “Do you like my tight sweater?” (Moloko)
Here is a selection of title that don’t work from my collection:
“Hey Ma” – James
“Bellybutton” – Jellyfish
“Rabbit fur coat” – jenny Lewis
“The Beautiful Untrue” – Jerry Fish
“HoboSapiens” – John Cale
“Yerself is Steam” – Mercury Rev
“Brewster’s Rooster” – John Surman
“The Hissing of Summer Lawns” – Joni Mitchell
“Yours Truly, Angry Mob” –Kaiser Chiefs
“West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum”
“Aha Shake Heartbreak” – Kings of Leon
“Smart Flesh” – The Low Anthem
“Southpaw Grammar” – Morrissey
“Vulnerabilia” – My Computer
“Passive Me, Aggressive You” – Naked and Famous
“From the Muddy Banks of the Wiskah” and “In Utero” – Nirvana
“Stankonia” – Outcast
“Kisses on the Bottom”, “Give My Regards to Broad Street”, “Ram” & “Memory almost full” (sounds like ideas almost run out) – Paul McCartney
“Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix” – Phoenix
“One word extinguisher” – Prefuse 73
“Pablo Honey” – Radiohead
“Just enough education to perform” – Stereophonics
“Sonik Kicks” – Paul Weller
“The Brutalist Bricks” –Ted Leo
Honourable Mentions:
John Coltrane – virtually all of his album titles are memorable:
“A Love Supreme”
“My Favourite Things”
“Ascension”
“Expression”
“Soultrane”
“Bluetrane”
“Lush Life”
“Giant Steps”
John Martyn:
“Solid Air”
“Grace and Danger”
“Sunday’s Child”
“The Road to Ruin”
“Bless the Weather”
“Glorious Fool”
“Stormbringer”
Neil Young
“After the Goldrush”
“Harvest Moon”
“On the Beach”
“Tonight’s the Night”
“American Stars & Bars”
“Chrome Dreams”
“Journey through the Past”
“Rust never sleeps”
“Ragged glory”
“Prairie Wind”
“Zuma”
….hardly a clunker among them (“Le Noise”)
I can’t make up my mind if I like or hate all of Nick Cave’s album titles. Honourable mention goes to Frank Zappa for effort: “Uncle Meat”, “Lumpy Gravy”, “Weasels…” “Overnite Sensation” “Broadway the Hard Way” “Tinsel Town Rebellion” “Zoot Allures” “Burnt Weeny Sandwich” “Chunga’s Revenge” “Roxy and Everywhere” – I don’t know if they are good or crap – full marks for making an effort (although “Waka Jawaka” is appalling).
All time worst album titles:
You Can Tune a Piano but You Can’t Tuna Fish – REO Speedwagon
Adam Ant Is the BlueBlack Hussar in Marrying the Gunner’s Daughter – Adam Ant
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